Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
