another moral hangover. fuck.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
