I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
