he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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