I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
