Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
