I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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