nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
