I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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