Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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