I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
