First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
