After last night, I could never be a politician.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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