i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
