Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
