FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
