You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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