the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
