i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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