You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
