people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
