He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
It's shark week go big or go home
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
