I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
we're making bets on your personal life
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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