someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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