I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
