Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
