That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i will never coherently bang her
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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