I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
