saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
