New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
