You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
