Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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