he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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