you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
