we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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