Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
