Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
