I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
whose parrot is this?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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