how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
