I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
