I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
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