I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
