the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
