Got a toothbrush?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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