I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
