I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
