I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
