Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
