I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
