I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
NoShamevember. You game?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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