The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
